Interesting adventures into feeling things!
So, sounds. Sounds have sort of always been a thing, but I didn’t really start to consider them until about high school. Everything was just so loud… Distracting. Slightly painful. I found that I could plug my ears up fairly effectively with a little body hack and started spending life on mute. Well, not mute. The sounds that weren’t really a problem got much quieter, like other people speaking. The problem sounds still cut through but they didn’t hurt as much. I also found that humming in a certain way was intensely… Pleasurable? I guess you’d say pleasurable. But it’s not quite just pleasure, either. It’s about focus. It draws my focus. All of it. I couldn’t keep humming because I’d get focused entirely on the sound and I couldn’t make my throat move anymore. But also definitely pleasure. Not unlike the pleasure of being fully engaged in a task, in doing something you love so much it makes it so you can’t interact with anything else, the kind of thing that you can zone out and do for hours and find that the whole day has gone by. But without the intellectual engagement. It’s intoxicating. Consuming. It erases thought.
But there’s space inside of it, as well. There’s the drive, so to speak. I hear a pleasure sound, and I start to feel the pleasure, but it’s not all there yet. There’s a degree of submission. I have to pay attention to it. But the more the sound, the less it feels like a choice. It’s like paying attention to the pleasure, giving it my mind, is like a body of water. With pets and scratches, I’m floating on the surface, occasionally letting my head slip below the surface knowing I can come right back up. In the car, or with any other full body sounds it’s more like my face is being pushed down into an endless ocean and I can fight it all I want, but once I’m tired I’ll be pushed down into it regardless of what I want. And then the car stops, I catch my breath, the car goes again, repeat. The water is pleasureful but the constant fighting in my head, trying to make space, it hurts. I can’t exclusively give in either. There’s always a bit of time where it’s a gentle push before it’s a shove. It takes a little bit of effort to meet a gentle push, to slip into the water. I’m always either not at the point where it happens automatically, or at the point where I feel forced into it. It’s addicting being in the water as well. When I’m in, I want to stay in. Being torn back out when the car stops… When I’m desperate for just a little more, always a little more.
I don’t feel in control. When I’m deeply underwater (to continue the metaphor) things happen sometimes that I don’t really want but I can’t stop. My tongue will dart out of my mouth like I’m tasting the air, and I’m not sure why. I just can’t not. The big thing is my hands. My hands will slide up towards my ears. I fight as much as I can but if there’s too much sound, or if the sound started and my hands were already too close when I went under, I can’t stop. My hands press against the sides of my ears and there’s nothing but sound. A deep dive, mind lost in the sounds, completely disconnected from my body just the sounds and how they feel. Then I recover, or I’m helped and my hands are taken away and I feel drained, my head hurts, my ears hurt physically from the pressure and I’m just so tired. It’s a bit scary losing control in that way, which is unfortunately a perfect segue into light.
Light has the feelings of sound, but condensed. There aren’t nearly as many light sources that produce these results but when they do it’s even stronger. It seems to be mostly light with rainbows in it, if that makes any sense. Some bright white lights are just white, others seem to have a full spectrum in them and the rainbows are just so much. Cars driving by, I can’t look away the lights feel too good I can’t stop. Atypically intense lights, sun catching in the rim of a glass, caught in a clear vase, particularly bright light bulbs. So much. When it happens, it’s like wanting something but without the choice. I need to see it better. I feel less aware of my surroundings almost immediately. I can try to ignore it, try try try but it doesn’t matter. If it’s there and it caught, I have to. So much light. It feels so good but… It’s consuming. It feels like it’s tearing through my body. I can’t pay attention to any of my functions, I can’t stand I can’t move. Except if I fall out of the light, then there’s a moment of desperation, need to get it back need need need and then it’s broken and I’m tired and my head just feels crushed. Every sound feels like a hot knife being dragged across my brain and then the wound is filled with lead, every light feels like wall of destructive force that rips through my body starting with shredding my brain again.
But here I am, day after again and sounds are intoxicatingly pleasurable and the rainbows caught in the rim of the glass are consumingly, pleasuringly beautiful. Oh brain.